The night has this really unique effect on me. On me and on everyone else. It makes me think... and gets so deep I can almost drown.
It's the end of an era now. Cliche, I know, but a true one. I'm mostly busy lately and my mind is occupied with fun little things, so I don't really feel this end everyone is talking about. I'm not really comprehending the fact that it's a new world for me, and that the time I have left for carelessness and childishness is very limited.
I'm aware but I'm also not.
I'm glad the excruciating routine of waking up waiting to early and wandering around on pilot mode is over now, and that I have more freedom and time for self development. However, I'm terrified I'll find out too soon that I'm lonely and sad and destined to live meaningless life. So, in order to avoid the inevitable, I must make plans for myself, and obey my own rules. Put myself back in a strict system, with well defined goals and a plan of action. I believe this is good for me. One thing I learned in those 12 years of school is that we are meant to be put in a system and follow the rules. And one's rebellion only contributes to strengthen the system. It is expected and it rarely breaks the system (if it is thorough enough, that is).
It probably sounds weird and depressing, that I just broke free, and I immediately put myself in metaphorical handcuffs again, but it is completely by choice and with awareness.
I believe that if I set goals to myself, and if I'll make the best out of the 2 months I have left here, I'm going to feel a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment in the end. That's how we are, or at least some of us are. Human beings are pretty weird, huh?
Anyway, writing these odd yet completely normal night thoughts made me feel more relaxed. As writing usually does. It helps me clean up and clear up what it is that I'm trying to say, even if I don't end up saying anything.
I'll write a post tomorrow, a happier one, about the last couple of days, that were packed with experiences and were very special to me. I would like to remember them, and writing is probably the best way I can relive these moments.
I may also devote a section towards defining my goals for these next two months. Hopefully that, and cleaning my room, will help me get motivated and ready to rock.
Goodnight blogger :)
